Call me Un-American, call me Scrooge, call me what you like, but I have never really been a big fan of family "get fat togethers".. You get up in the morning. You sit in your pajamas for a really long time, until its getting dangerously close to someone arriving and then it's a mad dash for anything that performs like a brush. Vacuum cleaner attachments, potato masher, whatever you can find.
And then its "Well, ok, if I absolutely have to, but does this mean I have to take a shower too?
For gosh darn sakes its my day off, don't make me, PLEASE!!!
OK, OK I'm going.
Usually on these occasions its a holiday and some kind of parade is on the television and people all over the nation are watching . Why? Its kind of like watching Typing For Dollars. Oh sure, it lends ambiance to the room. . I know, its the tradition and everything, but shoot................ I'd really rather have ear splitting silence then listen to the same old broadcasters croon about how June, doesn't she look lovely? Besides if you turn off the television, you'll get the opportunity to see if the power button still functions properly. When is the last time you checked on that?
As for the parade,"They have a million or more viewers and I'm not signed up under a Nielsen Ratings traffic site so can I please be excused?
Note to self: Unsubscribe to cable.
Then all those people that you pretend to love and adore (and a few you don't) start arriving. I'd like to tell you that I worship every single family member, but I JUST DON'T. Not that I haven't given it the old college try. I underwent hypnosis, I took medications, I tried everything. If they were at the pound I wouldn't adopt them, but perhaps I'd make a small donation. Leftovers! Yes, that's it. I'd donate my left overs. No relative should go without.
Note to self: Shop for Christmas early at Pet Smart
So you smile graciously and you give the perfunctory hugs and look for an escape route, but "Auntie-Gets-On-My-Last-Nerve-And-Smells-Like-Licorice" just spotted you and wants her holiday kisses. You hold her at arms length, while "Uncle-5th-Husband-Soon-To-Be-A-Scrapbook-Blurb"
just touched your butt and your face is now glued in a position that in normal conditions could only be achieved in subzero temperatures. I need a Bat cave.
Note to self: As soon as this is over, start digging.
Next to arrive is your mother with stepfather in tow. Judging from the grim look on my stepfather's face and the expression that looks strangely familiar on my mother's these two are not on what we may refer to as "friendly terms". Tension at a family dinner. What a concept! We like to refer to it as table side entertainment. Who doesn't like a good Punch and Judy show or a good game of "Rock Em Sock Em Robots"?
Note to self: Refrain from asking "How are you two doing?"
Oh lookie, here comes sister with her five kiddies, all of whom are not house or potty trained. Joy oh joy oh s**t. Put up all the knick knacks. They could break a wet sponge. In fact, lets opt for dinner at the zoo. Anybody know how to barbecue an ostrich? Where the hell did I put that bottle of Whiskey? I'm beginning to need a medicinal shot along with an even larger dose of Valium.
Note to self: Phone in refills.
Poor Tom the Turkey is sprawled out in a prone position in a roasting pan oblivious now to anything except the stuffing that's being shoved into parts they don't normally belong. The air is filled with aromas of home cooking and "Auntie-Gets-On-My-Last-Nerve-Smells-Like-Licorice" and then through a haze of one beer too many for the cheering football fans, too many children with "don't touch another piece of that candy deficit" and one too many Whiskeys and a handful of Valium for me, dinner is served.
Note to self: Put Valium in the stuffing next year. Share the wealth.
Dinner is like watching Animal Planet. No one knows what happened to the turkey carcass The dog is throwing up in the corner. You heave the dog outdoors just to have one of the kids decide that candy, turkey and dog puke don't mix and they are now following the tradition as if it were the word of God.
Note to self: Make appointment to have carpet shampooed.
Finally the dinner table has been ravaged, the house has been destroyed, you have done your fair share of contributing to world hunger, listened without hearing a word ,saved the dog and to your delight someone realizes that they are missing the "Green Acres" late night TV marathon and so they are looking for coats. There are kissey, kissey, smoochey, smoochey, lets get together real soon hugs goodbye and then except for the retching of a dog all is silent.
Note to self: Call lawyer in the morning. If a kid can divorce his parents, then why can't I divorce my family? Plan B:Sue parents.
